Breaking Free: Reclaiming Your Power by Building Shame Resilience
Shame is externalized judgment, ostracization, and humiliation that becomes internalized. Through the Finding Peace Process, using the Shadows of Shame, we learn how to externalize those messages, create space for more objectivity, and ultimately build shame resilience, allowing us to step into our true selves and live more authentically.
Shame is a powerful emotion, often woven so deeply into our sense of self that it becomes invisible yet ever-present. It whispers in our minds, telling us we’re not enough, don’t belong, and are somehow flawed beyond repair. But where does shame come from? And, more importantly, how can we free ourselves from its grip?
In my work with clients, I’ve found that shame doesn’t originate from within — it’s a product of external forces. Whether it’s judgment from others, the sting of humiliation, or the pain of being ostracized, these experiences shape how we view ourselves. Over time, these external messages get internalized, transforming into the relentless voice of shame. This internalized shame can lead to feelings of unworthiness, disconnection, and self-doubt, limiting our potential and eroding our sense of self.
The good news is that we don’t have to remain imprisoned by these narratives. The path to freedom lies in understanding how shame works and affects us and, most importantly, how we can build resilience against it. This is where the Finding Peace Process comes in — a process designed to help us confront and externalize the shame we carry.
The Shadows of Shame
In the Finding Peace Process, we identify what I call the Shadows of Shame — the underlying emotions and beliefs that keep shame alive in our lives. These six shadows take on various roles to “help” us with our pain from loss, neglect, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, or abuse. They linger in the background, feeding off the negative core beliefs we’ve internalized from the world around us.
But here’s the thing: these shadows aren’t a reflection of who we are. They’re a reflection of what we’ve been through. When we recognize this, we can start to separate ourselves from the stories that shame tells us. We create space to view our experiences objectively and challenge the beliefs that no longer serve us. In doing so, we loosen shame’s hold and begin the journey toward shame resilience.
Externalizing the Messages of Shame
One of the most powerful steps in overcoming shame is learning to externalize the harmful messages we’ve internalized. This means recognizing that those messages — “You’re not enough,” “You don’t belong,” “You’re flawed” — are not truths about us. They are judgments imposed by others or by circumstances beyond our control.
Through the Finding Peace Process, We consciously shift these shadows from within our bodies to a location outside ourselves, no longer accepting them as part of our identity. As we externalize these messages, we gain a different perspective that allows us to observe them from a distance, creating room for more objectivity. From this space, we can ask: Is this true? Where did this belief come from? Do I want to continue carrying it? Would I ever say the things my Shadows say to me to someone I love?
This step is critical because it creates space to reclaim our power. Instead of allowing shame to dictate our lives, we take control of the narrative. We decide what is true about us and what is not.
Building Shame Resilience
The ultimate goal of the Finding Peace Process is to build shame resilience — the ability to face shame without letting it overwhelm or define us. Shame resilience is not about eliminating shame entirely (which is impossible) but rather learning how to respond to it in healthy ways. It’s about understanding that shame is a natural part of the human experience, but it doesn’t have to dominate our lives.
As we build resilience, we begin to live more authentically. We no longer allow the fear of judgment or rejection to hold us back. Instead, we show up as our true selves, unapologetically. We connect more deeply with others, knowing that we are worthy of love and belonging just as we are.
The Path Forward
Building shame resilience is a journey that requires courage, compassion, and willingness to confront the shadows within. It can feel like you are the newest wrestler in the World Wrestling Entertainment when those Shadows start attacking you. At the same time, as you learn how to diminish their power, you realize you are not defined by the judgments of others or the experiences that have hurt you. You are defined by how you choose to rise above them.
As we externalize shame’s messages, create space for objectivity, and build resilience, we open the door to living a life grounded in authenticity, self-compassion, and inner strength. In doing so, we step into our true selves, ready to embrace all that we are — and all that we can become.
