Got Peace?
How many of you have so much peace in your life that there isn’t room for any more? When I ask that question at the beginning of my presentations, only 1% of the audience raises their hands. The rest of the audience usually stares in either complete disbelief or envy.
Recently, my wife introduced my daughter to the movie Ms. Congeniality where Sandra Bullock’s character goes undercover to save the national beauty pageant from a catastrophic terrorist plot. One of the running gags of the movie is how each of the beauty pageant contestants ends her interview with a desire for world peace.
What does peace mean to you? Common responses include bliss, serenity, zen, or relaxation.
Nowadays, conflict seems to be the prevalent experience — in our politics, schools, workplaces, and homes. School and other mass shootings are on the rise, every 60 seconds a person is physically hurt by their significant other. Anxiety and Depression are the most common mental health disorders in the United States. Nearly half of all first marriages end in divorce. Thousands of people die every day from a drug overdose while millions are battling addictions from drugs, alcohol, sex, food, and gambling.
It would make sense, then, that the majority of people with whom I speak crave more peace and less pain, distress, and conflict in their lives. How amazing would it be to feel a sense of comfort and that everything is going to be okay, even during excruciating life events? Is it even possible? I believe it is.
You may familiar with the expression “Peace of Mind” (not to be confused with the phrase, “Let me give you a piece of my mind). It may be difficult to understand this concept- it is not the awful things that happen to us that destroy our peace, it is what we believe about what has happened to us that destroys our peace. The phrase “Peace of mind” conveys to me a sense that my thoughts are clear from negative or destructive thoughts.
I recently heard of a father who experienced a devastating tragedy when a drunk driver plowed into his minivan at over 60 miles an hour resulting in the death of his 9-month-old baby and the rest of the family admitted to ICU with critical injuries. Understandably, many close to the family were incredibly outraged about the actions of the impaired driver. The father asked his loved ones to stop speaking negatively about the individual who had caused so much pain. “I don’t want the loss of my beautiful daughter to be tarnished by holding onto negative thoughts about how she died. I want to focus on her light and her love rather than hate and resentment.”
What a remarkable example of having peace of mind. Rather than fixating on the one whose behaviors caused his daughter’s death, he chose to focus on light. That is not easy to do. In fact, I would argue that his response was extraordinary. Yet, focusing on light brought a greater sense of peace and that light spread to provide a different perspective to those around the family.
Painful events do happen in this world. The stories we tell ourselves about painful events can make it worse. In order to have peace of mind, we need to become aware of the negative thoughts and seek to focus on thoughts that bring greater light, bringing peace of mind.
We can threaten our sense of peace by our own behaviors. We may inflict pain on others because we are hurting. We may engage in self-sabotaging behaviors that are contrary to our own value systems creating a wake of pain for ourselves and our closest loved ones. Afterward, we may battle the shadows of shame that overwhelm our senses, convincing us that we are not enough. We have no peace of mind nor do we have peace of conscience.
Peace of mind is a feeling that all is going to be well in the end. Peace of conscience is a feeling that I am enough now. Together they bring a sense of hope, serenity, and even love. Richard G. Scott said, “A tranquil conscience invites freedom from anguish, sorrow, guilt, shame, and self-condemnation. It provides a foundation for happiness. It is a condition of immense worth, yet there are few on earth that enjoy it.”
We have the power to transform negative thoughts. When we do so, we experience peace of mind. This enables us to change our behaviors, make amends, and become more loving people. In this process, we experience peace of conscience. If we have done things to cause others pain, we can seek amends. If we have said unkind words, we can apologize and work on being kinder in the future. Consciously owning our mistakes and striving to change them can create the framework for experiencing peace of mind.
When we are in turmoil; when we are distressed; we can ask ourselves a simple question… Is this a conflict of the mind or a conflict in my conscience? It may be one, the other, or both. Asking the question and searching for the answer does provide clarity on what steps can be taken to restore peace. If I notice that my thoughts are running a loop of fear and dread, I can challenge the thoughts — looking for evidence that reinforces light and truth. If I am experiencing shame or guilt, then I can look at my behaviors and determine what I can do to step back into the light of peace.
When I talked with the three people who raised their hands indicating that they were full of peace, their explanations were similar. “I have learned how to be happy with myself and to find joy even when painful things have happened. I have learned to let go of the thoughts that bring suffering and I strive to be my best self in every action so that I do not have regrets.”
Sounds like a simple formula. One that I am doing my best follow. How about you?
